Just when you think that nothing is happening in your life a whole bunch of shit happens all at once.  Where do I begin, really?!  I guess I'll start where I left off last.

I was all upset with myself for having a strong emotional reaction to seeing my ex driving down the road.  It was so strong and upsetting that I decided to delete my Myspace page and stop blogging just to try to change things up and let things go.  A day or two passed and I saw him again, driving through town.  The very next day I took my son to buy video games and I ran into him.  Fuck, it was like it was never going to end.  This time I was sitting in my truck when I saw him.  I hoped that he didn't see me but he did and he pulled his car right up next to mine and said Hi and then told me to bring my son in when he was working and he's give me his employee discount on games.  I didn't know what to say or how to react.  I want it to be different for me.  I want it to be less painful and awkward when I see him.  He doesn't seem to be bothered at all.  He treats it like we are old buddies or something.  I just feel agitated and strange.  I don't want to be mean or rude, but I'm sure that's how I come off.  I just get all confused and upset and I don't know what to say.  I definitely don't feel like it's okay for me to communicate with him like we used to.  I miss that the most I think.  I cannot feel at ease with him now, and it's not okay to try.  I am doing the best I can to let go.  I try really hard to occupy myself with other things.  I have been doing a very good job for the past week or so.

I have been feeling okay.  I've been working a lot and playing World of Warcraft during most of my free time.  I don't seem to have a lot of free time though.  Work has been getting better.  My son and I try to go to the park and play tennis on one of my days off and we watch TV and play video games most of my weekend.  He's been helping out around the house a lot more lately and I really appreciate it!  It makes my life easier and less stressful.  I finally bought him his Wii.  I felt guilty for not buying it from my ex.  I don't know why, exactly, but I did.  I'm still trying to avoid him.

The other day, my son's father came over and told me that one of our friends, from back in the day, had committed suicide.  This is the guy that was responsible for my son's father and I meeting at all.  He was also the first guy I ever had sex with.  I felt strange about the news.  I haven't seen him or thought much about him for the past 15 years.  I wasn't that close to him really.  For a brief time we were pretty good friends and I loved him, the way I loved my good friends back then.  He was 17 the last time I saw him; I was 19.  I felt like that 19 year old girl again.  I almost cried.  It was a strange feeling and I automatically thought of my other friend.  I knew that I must contact him at once and I wouldn't be okay until I did.  I have lost touch with most of the people from that time in my life.  A few years ago I found him on MySpace and we re-connected a little bit.  That is the only way I knew how to contact him, so I went back to MySpace and signed up again.  I got ahold of my friend, and I am glad I did.  I had forgotten how much I loved that guy.  He's one of those people that come into your life and really leave their mark and change you a little.  I was right.  Getting in contact with him made me feel better, calmer and okay.  The only thing better would be to see him.  The last time I saw him he was 18; I was 20 and had just had a baby.  I love that guy, I always will. 

I wish that I could put David in that category.  Just a good friend that I love.  It's so hard though.  I don't know how to get past the hurt from the relationship bullshit.  I wish that I had never become his girlfriend.  Then we could still be friends. We were really good at being friends.  He wanted me to feel more and eventually I did.  It came at a price though, a price he couldn't pay and so he lied and manipulated to keep what he wanted.  We could have just been friends and still been friends.  My love is the best thing I have to offer.  Of course he wanted me to love him, I am really amazing at it.  He didn't have to trick me into falling in love to get it though.  OY!  Anyway.... I went back on MySpace.  I decided to just make a new profile and add all my friends again.  It's an easy way to keep in touch.  I'm back for two days only and what do I get?  That's right, a message from David welcoming me back.  I just don't get it.  He didn't ever visit my page when we were dating.  He left and didn't have a desire or need to say anything to me for months and months until he needed me to pay a phone bill.  Then one day he gets a hair up his butt and all of a sudden he's messaging me randomly?  For what?  I don't know.  I don't get it at all.  Why doesn't he feel weird about this?  Why is it so easy for him? How is it okay for him?  I would feel too strange about messaging him for no reason, just to say hi or whatever.  I guess I still don't understand why he bothers at all.  He left me for a reason.  He did not want to be here.  It's that simple.  I don't know why he always knows when I'm back on MySpace.  I don't search for him.  I don't know why he looks for me.  I do not understand him anymore.  I wonder if I ever did.

I'm okay though.  I am resolved to leaving this alone.  I will not visit his page.  I will not answer his messages.  I want to feel sane again and I feel crazy when I am obsessing over him.  I can will myself sane, I've done it before!  Oh and another thing.... Chantix makes you CRAZY!!!  I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING!  I heard that Chantix, the quit smoking drug I took, can affect your mental well being!  People that have taken it are committing suicide!  I'm a little freaked out by that.  I read that old mental or emotional problems can reoccur after taking Chantix and they can even resurface after you quit taking Chantix.  I know I felt CRAZY on it, but I never suspected that it could still be affecting my mental stability!  I try not to think about that.  I don't want to give myself another excuse to jump the border to Crazy Town!