Damn; I am lonely.  I can only imagine a few things more pathetic than how I spent last night.  Just imagine it if you dare.  Fat, unattractive, thirty-something chick, sitting at the computer watching free video clips of fatty porn.  It's absurd enough to make me laugh out loud and I am not even joking!  OY.  I haven't had sex in 5 1/2 months and I am feeling stifled, to say the least.  It's not as if I am a stranger to abstinence as my last relationship ended with a year and a half of me being faithful to a guy that was cheating on me.  I've been a bit fucked up over that aspect alone.  I actually believed that he wasn't  that interested in sex and that I was being a good girlfriend by trying to be understanding and patient with him.  What a load of CRAP!  It's true; he wasn't interested in sex..... WITH ME!!!!!  So I have been struggling lately with weather I am even desirable at all. 

I have put on quite a bit of weight over the last several months.  I have completely withdrawn myself from any form of social scene.  I don't even flirt with men like I did after he dumped me the first time.  I feel fat, ugly and disgusting most of the time.  When men do try to flirt with me I justify it in a few different ways.  A. He thinks that because I am fat and ugly that I am an easy target.  B. He thinks that it will make my day, cheer me up and put a smile on my face.  C. He flirts with everyone and it means absolutely nothing.  I never even consider it to be sincere flirting.  I have resolved myself to the category of women that men are not interested in. 

I make a great pal.  I am witty and funny.  I have a "just one of the guys" personality.  Men LOVE me, they just do not, under any circumstance, want to date me and definitely do not want to have sex with me.  I understand, most of the time.  I do not fit into a "hot girl" category or "attractive girl", "sexy girl", "average girl" or even "doable girl".  What I am is the girl that you can kick it with all night and if you haven't found some chick to take home and fuck, if you are horny enough and drunk enough and I promise not to tell a living soul, you may be able to maintain an erection long enough for me to suck you off once before you pass out or puke.  I am not okay with that.  What I do is I stay away from the parties and bars.  I don't try to meet men and when I get lonely and horny, I Google "fat girl sex" and watch the free clips of women that look like me getting some!  Where are those guys?  Healthy, attractive men with hard cocks and a desire for fat chicks?  Is it real or just a job to sell porn?  I suspect the latter, but there must be a market for it, none the less.  I don't get it; I mean that all the way around! 

What are my options here?  I can accept my body the way it is or I can do what I can to change the things I do not like.  Does that really get a chubby chick laid?  Somehow I doubt it.  I can lose weight and that will help, I am sure, I have done it.  It doesn't really do much on the dating front.  It may bump me into a "doable" category, but that is about it.  Outside of plastic surgery, I cannot change how attractive I am.  Weight is a huge issue, but it is far bigger than that.  I was not blessed with a pretty face.  I believe that I am on the homelier side of plain.  Some of you may argue that it is all about self image, but you can call the duck a swan all you want and at the end of the day it is still going to waddle and quack just like a freakin' duck.  This isn't necessarily my problem.  Like most American women, I have self image issues, it's true, but I am realistic.  I am a real person, not an actress, pop star or super model.  I live in a real town, I do real things and live a real life.  I just want to have some real sex with a real man, dammit!  I see women everyday with their "man".  Women that aren't any more attractive, thinner or more confident than I am.  They all have a guy to go home and hop all over.  What the hell is my problem?  Did I miss the buss for the "how to snare a man" seminar?  I probably just got on the short bus, if my past relationships are any indication of how well I am doing in that area. 

I am not even talking about a long term committed relationship!  I just want something in between the "hey let's spend forever together" guy and the "random, usually drunken, one night stand" man.  Where are the guys that want to go to the movies and come home and fuck?  Where are the guys that will let you drag them shopping, let you cook them dinner, kick your ass at Tiger Woods and then do you doggy style?  Where the hell is the dude that will take you up to the lake, rig your line and take the fish off if you happen to catch one between articles in your favorite magazine; and perhaps bend you over a log in the woods or just let you blow him on the drive home?  Where are these guys?  Do they exist?  If they are out there, then why haven't I met one?

Sex isn't everything, Amy.  I have heard that too many times to count.  It's not everything when you are getting it.  When your are not, it sure has a funny way of climbing up your priority list.  I am frustrated.  I don't understand why I am so horrible that I am NEVER even in the running for consideration as a possible short term, sex filled relationship.  Men are NOT interested.  That is the plain simple fact of the matter.

My guy friends tell me that I am intimidating to most men.  I know what I like and what I want and I am willing to say it.  I will call bullshit when I hear or see it and I will give my opinion when I feel like giving it.  I am honest and abrupt.  I have been described by my boss as abrasive and hard.  These are not desirable traits in a woman.  Part of the problem is that I do not like pussies!  If you cannot handle me, I get bored.  I want to be handled.  Nobody understood my attraction to my ex.  Simply put, he could handle me.  He only did it when he wanted something out of me it's true, but he could do it and I liked it.  He learned what tactics to use in what situation and he kept me under control.  I am sure that it was a huge and heavy task.  I am sure it must have been exhausting to maintain.  Now I understand why he said he was satisfied seeing me once or twice a month.  I am a ton of effort!  Moving in with me must have been some sort of torturous prison camp of insanity that he had no other choice than escape from.  I am a crazy bitch! 

Come on.  I cannot be that bad!  I know that I can be overwhelming to the guy that does not know how to handle me.  It is not like I come without instructions.  I am not that hard to figure out.  My ex figured it out; of course he made a life-long career out of playing women before he "retired", so I cannot be that tough!  I think it all comes down to effort.  I am not considered to be worth the effort.  I think I am and if I had a cock I would just fuck myself.  Where is the dude that thinks "Wow, I wanna have some fun with that girl!  She seems interesting and sassy, and I'm just they guy to handle her!"  That's the guy that I want to meet.  I'm bored with the "please fix my life" boys, the "I'll stick my dick in anything warm and wet as long as it's a secret" dudes and the "I'm bored and have nothing better to do, so I'll practice my female catching skills on you" men.  The saddest part of it all is that the best one of them all this past year was the Mariachi and he is married so it doesn't even count!

Oh well.  Maybe my only options are endless frustration and loneliness or becoming a bitter, man hater and learning to love fish tacos!  Right now I don't have the heart or stomach for either of those options.  I better figure out a plan and snag me a hot blooded stallion that's down for a few months of fervent frivolity.  I am on the freakin' edge!  If I have to look at one more raggedy assed broad draping herself over her man and giving me a look that says "back off floozy, this fine piece of man meat is mine, all mine." like I am about to snatch her toothless, mangy, cockeyed boyfriend away from her; I might just snap and slap the taste of his cock right out her mouth!  Then again, it's probably all in my head!