I am freaking out!  I cannot get last night's visit out of my head.  I go over and over everything that was said.  He knows that it wasn't okay to tell me that he is still in love with me.  I don't believe that it's true.  He's having a hard time with something now.  Maybe his plans aren't working out well and I imagine that he's having marital problems.  I don't know.  I imagine that he looks back at some things in his past and he misses parts.  The good parts.  We had some good times, it's true.  That does not make it love.  He needs to really look at it and realize that if it really was the kind of love that I felt, he would never done the things he did, because he couldn't have left if he felt what I felt.  He told me that he didn't think he would ever look back, that's why he could do what he did to me.  That's not love.  I've never made a secret of my feelings.  I don't know what is going on with me now.  Am I going to have to fight everything in me to not run into his arms and complicate both of our lives and perhaps destroy other's?  Will he realize that he was wrong to come to me and regret it?  He told me that he believes it can be fixed.  He said he believes that I can be healed.  He said I could tell him to come home.  I wish it were that easy.  He told me that he can't let me move on and get over this.  He says that he doesn't want me to let go.  Mostly I think it is selfish of him, but a tiny voice says to me that if it is real then I can never let go.  I hate that voice and I want her to die.  She's the liar in my head and she loves to believe all of his lies.  I've let her have way too much power.  I feel like a crazy person!  I want to run far, far away.  I want to get in my truck and drive away forever.  Part of me wants to run fast and run far, the other part wants to take him with me.  I cannot do either.

This is not how it is supposed to be.  This was my second chance to tell him that it doesn't matter and he blew it and then feel some sort of satisfaction.  I don't feel it.  I told him that he broke it and it cannot be fixed, and it just made me sad.  Tragic sorrow, that is what I feel.  I know it sounds dramatic and it is!  I never go half way.  He told me that when he reads my blog that it feels like I write it to him.  He's right I do.  I always have.  I didn't think he actually read it, but it is always the things I want to tell him.  I didn't just lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that I ever felt really could understand me.  If he would have paid even half as much attention to me while we were together as he has recently, then perhaps things wouldn't have happened the way they did.  I tried everything to tell him, everything.  He just shut it off and shut me out and then went in a different direction.  I couldn't understand it at all.  I have to believe it was because he didn't care and he didn't love me.  The is no other explanation for it.   He hasn't been able to give me any reason other than that.  If he didn't love me or care about our relationship then, there is no way he can now.  It doesn't come and go like that.  You don't just fall in and out of love with someone, no matter what Alicia Keys says!

I am scared.  I do not know how else to explain it.  What if I do, what if I don't?  My mind is filled with questions and I am afraid to answer all of them.  The only thing I know for sure is that I am, indeed, still in love with him and I have no idea what to do about it.  I want to do the right thing and I do not want to believe in his charming fucking little lies.  What if it is just a big elaborate scheme that he planed with the help of his loving wifey?  To what end, I have no idea, but look at what happened a year ago?  They both agreed to do something that would devastate me, solely for their own benefit.  I can't allow myself to believe him.  It is way too dangerous.  Even if he was being honest.  If it is right and supposed to be the way he thinks it should be, then he will figure something out.  There is no band-aid, salve or magical cure and I cannot fix it.  I didn't break it.  He has to know and he has to believe and then he has to act.  If his faith in what is right cannot keep him strong then it's not right for him.  I tried to make it easy for him.  He's the one that had to make it all so difficult and now he has to fight his way to what he wants.  If he wants it bad enough he will do whatever it takes to get there.  I recommend couples counseling at this point and seeing his pastor on a weekly basis for spiritual guidance.  He deserves to be happy.  He just has to believe it to get there.  He has all the ingredients.  A wife, a family, a son, that is what his idea of a happy life entails, he accomplished all of it.  The only thing he is missing is the belief that he deserves it. He does.

For myself, I don't know what to think.  I know I deserve to be happy, I just don't know how to get there.  I know I have to stop being in love with a man that I can never have.  I cannot just run away from it, but I want to.  I'm thinking about taking my vacation fund and spending a weekend at the beach, perhaps alone, perhaps with my son.  I wonder how much I have saved.  I need to just go and think and be far, far away from all of the pressure of my life.  So many people telling me what I should think and feel and do.  I just want to hear the ocean waves and feel the ocean air and just let it all save me.  Save me from myself.  Save me from my insanity.  Quiet all of the voices and, perhaps, sweep most of them out to sea.  I'm going.  I decided just now.  Maybe this weekend.  I have to go, I cannot afford not to go.