here i am

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 14:49:25 -0800

here i am. drunk (well tipsy at least) and alone. I am tired. Having a bit of a long island mixer (not as good as the real thing, but hey). Life is boring. My ex (1st) called today. Lost his job and the wife left him. Why? Who knows? Weird how life works. Up one day and down the next. Why do we have relationships? They just sour. We should be able to cope with being poligomists (or however you spell it). I care for him so much and he just wanted to hear a friendly ...

In A Nutshell

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 21:09:12 -0800

What else did you think this would be about? ...

In A Good Place

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 21:35:20 -0800

My day is ending in a good place. It started off like any ordinary day, except that I had an appointment with my attorney for the custody/visitation hearing my jackass ex filed for. Also, I forgot to take my depression & anxiety meds. My day quickly turned into panic & tears. The attorney was saying everything I didn't want to hear. The judge could give my ex some sort of contact even if my kids didn't want it. If the judge didn't believe my kids&# ...

The Dream

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 23:25:22 -0800

I'm going to try to go to sleep soon. It's 2am, but I really dread closing my eyes. Last night I had one of those dreams that won't stop even if you wake up and go back to sleep. And vivid. Most times I can't remember my dreams well, but this took me back to the dreams I had when everything happened with my 2nd ex.

I dreamed he was in our home. I tried to call the police, but couldn't. The phone was dead, he had cut the line. I called the police on my cell phone ...

You've Got to be KiDDing

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 22:15:39 -0800

Today was a really wacked out day. It started out good enough, but soon turned to oh . . .

Me and my mom went shopping today for the kids' Santa wish lists. She bought everything so that really relieved me of the heavy weight of how to get the bills paid and give my boys a nice Christmas. I'm so grateful for my family.

Later, me and the boys went in to "town" to get our Christmas tree. We ended up with a real pretty one for a good price. ...

Just Around the Corner

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:45:44 -0800

Court's tomorrow with ex #2. I called the court yesterday and verified they served him even though it was by posting. I'm planning on getting there a bit early to see what he's driving, etc (assuming he even shows up). Hopefully, everything will turn out good. Still, no more support has posted this month. We could sure use it. I won't get paid til Friday so we are really having to pinch our pennies. A bill or 2 left to pay, ...

Crying in His Cornflakes

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:28:07 -0800

Spoke with my lovely husband yesterday. Called him on "business" only to let him know what the deal was on getting the jeep in my name only and about the bills for December he is responsible for. He keep trying to interrupt with the "I've been thinking" line, but I just talked right over him. Then, he says he's been thinking a lot and crying too. Yeah right.

I told him he gets no sympathy from me. He walked out on me. H ...

Redskins' Sean Taylor Dies

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:07:33 -0800

Such a sad ending for someone with such a promising career ahead of him.
To read the full story click the link below.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stori ...

Crickets Chirping

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:42:35 -0800

Where is everybody? All the Shoutpost accounts and only four people online. What's up with that?

Thoughts anyone?

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Quote for the Day

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 07:23:59 -0800

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."
Voltaire

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Just Keeps Calling

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 06:47:14 -0800

I don't know why, but now he keeps calling. Didn't want me. Didn't want to do anything to fix our marriage. He said it's not going to work and I'm tired of hoping that it will. Wasn't calling before and now that I'm done, he won't stop. Now the cell phone is ringing too. I wonder if I can change the number. I need to check on that. I hate him. I feel used. I ...

Quote For The Day

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 19:16:03 -0800

"To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever."

Henry Drummond

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Leave Me Alone

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 17:36:01 -0800

Now that jackass is calling. Maybe he figured out I wasn't kidding. Maybe he realized he was wrong. Maybe I'll never really know. All I know is "I DON"T CARE".

F*ck him. For real. I made him what he is today and he knows that. He told me himself. He has truly f*cked up as he will never find someone like me. I'm not bragging. I'm just being honest. I am a good person and ...

No One to Kill the Spider

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 16:56:00 -0800

The Rules were laid down today. Told my husband to get his stuff & his dog out of my home by 12/04/07. If not, everything will be gone and he'll never get any of it back. I'll take that dog somewhere and his clothes to Goodwill. I told his mother too so he can't say I didn't tell him. I hate him. Sounds strong? No way. I mean ever word of it.

Big, no change that, HUGE spider running around the living room. ...

Damn Cold Weather

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 09:01:05 -0800

Somehow, between the cold temps yesterday and the breeze, I got myself a sore throat. Won't be blowing those leaves today. Maybe I'll burn the ones in the woodline my water hose can reach, but that's it. I was trying not to go out today, but I may end up having to anyway.

My oldest is having his first, safe (bring a friend) date today. My mom is dropping off him and his friend and the young lady will be meeting them at the bowling alley. Onl ...

Virgo

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 04:31:21 -0800

Some of this I see in myself; some others have said but I do not see. Hmmmmm.....

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Never Be Afraid

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 19:43:55 -0800

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Today's a Good Day

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 19:20:28 -0800

I'm happy today. I was just sitting here (smiling too) thinking about the day. Nice. No big rush.

Me and Doodlebug went to the GameStop so he could buy himself a Nintendo DS Lite (or something like that). He actually saved enough money and for him to hold onto money that long, well, that's amazing. He was going to buy himself a used one & a game, but he ended up walking out with a brand new limited edition gold one that came with a ga ...

Falling Leaves

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 14:14:36 -0800

Will the leaves ever stop falling?

I've been blowing & burning leaves for 3 days and yet, every morning, I awake to more leaves. My hands have blisters, but I really enjoy doing it. If the breeze would stop it would be even better. I just wish they would hurry up and finish. Burning the leaves is the best part, but I can't do it up good without fearing I'l ...

Happy Turkey Day

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 19:43:53 -0800

I wanted to put this out now since I hope most of us will be too busy with family, friends and turkey to get online.

May you all have a happy Thanksgiving and be safe so you can return here to blog again!

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Tired of Hoping

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:51:28 -0800

Yes, I said it. I'm tired of hoping for the best. I started blogging this past February because of my husband. No one to talk to. No one to listen. It didn't matter though if anyone did. I just needed an outlet for my feelings. Well, now I finally took a big step. I told my husband he wouldn't hear from me again. I mean it. No more calls. I promise. He tried to call after that, but I didn't answer.

< ...

A Kiss - I Think Not

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 20:21:06 -0800

Today was a day of decision.

I drove around a lot thinking about life. Thinking of recent events and wondering if I'm just playing the fool again.&nb ...

Outta Here!

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 06:02:16 -0800

Today, I'm getting out of this house.

I barely left my couch yesterday. No kids, slept all day for the most part. Of course, when I did wake up I stayed up til after 1am this morning. Not tired though. I think I slept so much because of Friday. My youngest and I went to the gym Friday (3 days in one week - wow!), then I dropped him off at Grannie's for the w ...

Vertigo

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 19:50:12 -0800

"Vertigo is the feeling that you or your environment is moving when no movement occurs. Imprecisely called dizziness, the term vertigo is the specific term used to describe an illusion of movement. Unlike nonspecific lightheadedness or dizziness, vertigo has relatively few causes." - from http://www.webmd.com/

Doodlebug's Birthday

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 18:37:07 -0800

Today's is my little "Doodlebug's" birthday. Eleven years ago he came into the world - all 9 pounds 7 ounces of him. So chubby; a little cherub. To this day he is still an angel. Sure, he can be rotten and fighting with his older brother is a regular thing, but he has the kindest heart anyone could imagine. He genuinely cares for others - especially the "little guys". He doesn't like to see others mistreate ...

Pay Per Post - An Opportunity?

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 17:15:07 -0800

I'm hoping for a real opportunity with the website www.payperpost.com

I signed up today for their program. I've read through their site and there seems to be a real opportunity there to earn money for doing nothing more than what I'm doing right now - blogging. Just being me is okay. I get to choose what opportunities I want based on my interests and not someone else's. It's like having a part t ...

Christmas Year Round?

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 04:32:46 -0800

When will they just leave up the Christmas decorations in stores year round?

I know it sounds silly, but the Walmart in my area (and other places) started putting up Christmas stuff in October and now that we're barely into November Christmas is in full swing. What happened to Thanksgiving? I'd love to see big stuffed turkeys and colorful cornucopias as decorations. They want the money, but it's like wishing our lives ...

The Dog Is Back

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 05:00:20 -0800

My husband called yesterday. He got into an argument with his mom's other half. Now, he can't stay at their home. He's having a hard time finding a room to rent with his rotweiller in tow. Go figure. Well, that's when he calls me.

Do I want the dog? Why would I want a dog that doesn't listen to me? Okay, after him screaming at me and everything else I told him the stupid dog can stay with me until his sister gets out of j ...

Today's Final Thoughts

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 21:10:19 -0800

I was doing pretty good today once I got out the house. Went to the river and tried to skip a rock. My husband would try to show me, but I wouldn't try. It took a lot of rocks, but I finally skipped one once. Couldn't duplicate it. Took a picture of a little secluded spot I'd never noticed before. It would have been a nice spot to sit in the summer sun, yet be hidden from the outside world. Roma ...

Alone

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 05:43:42 -0800

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Sorry

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 23:30:48 -0700

Something has finally kicked in. I'm not sure if it's the valium, the anxiety pill or what, but my heart finally stopped hurting. Literally. Chest pains. I just realized I wasn't crying anymore. Maybe now I will fall asleep. My mind has been running, but getting nowhere. I want to go to sleep . . .

I recently got in trouble for letting my feelings get the best of me. I said some things and posted some things I shouldn't have; for that I apologized, but it did no good. For my ignorance, I am forever punished. I try to post when the feeling is there. To get rid of it. You get me, not at my best, but when I'm at my most vunerable. You only see the words, but I feel them. I sit here crying.&n ...

Time's Catching Up To Me

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 18:22:34 -0700

I got out the house today. Went with my mom to pick up the jeep. My mom complained the whole time about how my dad is driving her nuts. My oldest stayed with my dad to give my mom a little break (he's there for the weekend) and my youngest wanted to stay with me. We ended up going shopping and found everything we needed for him in only 3 stops. Amazing! I truly expected to have very frustrating evening, but ended up with happy with a "hot date& ...

Yeah Right

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 05:12:39 -0700

I don't have too much to say except that I feel very alone right now. Yes, two of my co-workers from my old school stopped by this week. Yes, my mom and dad call me daily to make sure I'm okay. Yes, I have tblog to express myself. I appreciate all these things. Still, I'm so sad and afraid right now. My first husband is conveniently too busy to talk to me anymore (wasn't before my husband left). Sure, I upset him, but I apologized ...

Mixed Emotions

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:15:33 -0700

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Happy Halloween!

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 19:05:28 -0700

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Take One Down . . .

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:34:04 -0700

I thought I was doing pretty good recovering from my surgery, that was, until today. I didn't start taking my meds until I got back from a doctor's appointment since I was driving myself there. Ever since, I've been getting sick every time I take my medicine. Feel so dizzy, like the worst drunk I can ever remember. Called my mom. She said I might be allergic to one of them. So now I waiting on a call from the on call doctor. Nothing is ...

Lost In The 80's Tonight

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 18:25:50 -0700

Chicago - "Hard To Say I'm Sorry/Get Away"

Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
>from each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away
>from each other

Hold me now
It's hard for me to say i'm sorry
I just want you to stay
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise to
And after all that's been said and done
Yo ...

R.I.P.

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 16:21:25 -0700

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About Last Night

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 15:34:26 -0700

I don't have internet access tonight, but I did want to recount how I feel this evening. I'm sitting alone outside my parent's "home away from home" camper. The kids come here every year to trick or treat and, since dad's in the hospital and my sister's at a party, I'm doing it this year. I've never spent the night here. My husband couldn't stand the thought of it. Now, it's pretty nice. Quiet, you can actually se ...

Just Us Three

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 19:54:17 -0700

Well, now it's just the three of us. Me and my two boys. Husband left me yesterday. Said he couldn't take "it" anymore. We sat on our couch and discussed the money he would owe me for certain bills and what we would do about the vehicles. No fighting, no arguing. Serene almost ...

Crying In My Cornflakes Again

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 04:51:45 -0700

I told myself I wasn't going to do this anymore, but here I am again. I've been trying to be more positive and avoid writing anything too negative, but life won't allow that.

Yesterday. my boss changed his mind and now he's going on the trip to Houston. He didn't have the balls to tell me though. Left it up to Sally to do the dirty work. I'd already bought clothes for the trip and everything then, nothing. I wanted so much to go ...

Cruising

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 04:57:11 -0700

Got a f*cked up voicemail yesterday. Waited until today to write anything so I write without the emotions I felt yesterday.

My ex's brother got mad at him because I tried to visit the brother in the hospital this past Saturday. I never did see or speak to him. I went there, he didn't want visitors, then I left. Sad, disappointed to the point I got lost in the hospital. That's okay though. My ex told me not to call the brother since he ...

Froggie Finds True Love

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 05:18:01 -0700

Froggie was sitting in his royal throne when all of the sudden, out of thin air, perfect love was dangled in front of his face. Froggie stared at it for awhile, tried to ignore it, but could not resist the simmering temptation to taste the bait. Within seconds, Froggie zapped out his tongue and grabbed the beautiful jewel-like heart swinging on a hook in front of him. Never had he tasted such a bewitching ambrosia of ecstatic love. Froggie's head ...

It's a New Day

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 05:03:50 -0700

I was doing a little research last night about anxiety disorders and, even though there are different classifications of the disorder, I have 99% of the symptoms so I guess I can fit it one way or another into each of them. My obsessive thoughts started this research because I'm so tired of them. Conclusion - I'm going to start taking my anxiety medication daily instead of as needed as the bottle indicates. I've talked to my doc before about this so I want to gi ...

Growing Old Together . . .

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 08:36:51 -0700

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Think Your Day Was Bad?

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 08:04:28 -0700

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Life's Okay

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 07:38:05 -0700

It really is okay. Life's not completely what I want, but who ever said I'm so special that everything must go my way or else? Nobody, so why be disappointed?

I really am trying to do better with my thoughts. Be positive. Easier said than done, but at least I'm giving it a whirl. Some parts of life really are looking up and I don't feel so negative. I'm working on improving my physical self. No snacks lately and I'm g ...