I love the things that we should fear

Life....Kicking My Ass

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:12:49 -0700

It's been a long time since I wrote anything. I decided to just, sort of, stop doing everything I was doing for a while. Life has been kicking my ass and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't feel as crazy as I did 4 months ago, but maybe I've just gotten used to it.

It's been a very lon ...

Life....Kicking My Ass

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:06:56 -0700

It's been a long time since I wrote anything. I decided to just, sort of, stop doing everything I was doing for a while. Life has been kicking my ass and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't feel as crazy as I did 4 months ago, but maybe I've just gotten used to it.
It's been a very lon ...

Trying to pass the Exit to Crazy Town

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 08:46:14 -0700

Just when you think that nothing is happening in your life a whole bunch of shit happens all at once. Where do I begin, really?! I guess I'll start where I left off last.
I was all upset with myself for having a strong emotional reaction to seeing my ex driving down the road. It was so strong and upsetting ...

Entertaining Thoughts

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 05:19:22 -0700

Dammit! You know, I've been doing a fairly good job of "getting over" my ex, lately. I've had a few situations the past few weeks, but all in all, I have been maintaining a positive outlook and not been letting myself dwell on the past or the what could have been's. I finally had to make myself stop logging on to MySpace, as I was checking his page everyday, sometimes sev ...

Playing with a Player

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 06:53:01 -0700

Guess who showed up at my door yesterday afternoon?!!! No, not that guy! Hmmmmm... lets think of the possibilities, for a moment. It could have been any number of interesting people from my life's saga. I'll give you a hint, it's a guy! Okay.... I'll stop fucking with you. It was the guy from last June.
"Amy's Song"

You asked me to write a tune
All about the things that go wrong
And then you asked me to come home soon
To the place where I belong

But you stand on the other side
Of the line in this place
And you can't see me, you are blind
And this you can fake
No, this you can fake ...

What if you

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 06:21:21 -0700

~ What if you ~
What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today
I wonder if you'd m ...

Where are you Mr. Fervor?

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 09:19:28 -0700

Damn; I am lonely. I can only imagine a few things more pathetic than how I spent last night. Just imagine it if you dare. Fat, unattractive, thirty-something chick, sitting at the computer watching free video clips of fatty porn. It's absurd enough to make me laugh out loud and I am not even joking! OY. I haven't had sex in 5 1/2 months and I am feeling stifled, to say the ...

Hiatus is over.

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 10:09:31 -0700

I tried to give myself a hiatus from blogging everyday. I only managed to remain silent for 11 days. That is huge! I felt as if I would go crazy. So many things have happened in the interim. Most of it has to do with my job. I do not really feel like going into that this morning. All I have to say about it is that I may find myself making a dramatic move to another city in th ...

Freak on a Leash

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 10:08:15 -0700

~ Freak on a Leash ~
Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Somethings raped and taken from me... from me.
Lifes got to always be messing with me. (you wanna see the light)
Cant they chill and let me be free? (so do I)
Cant I take away all thi ...

Down in a Hole

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 09:38:54 -0700

~ Down in a Hole ~
Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb... in bloom

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a ...

An Anniversary of Sorts

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 05:31:58 -0700

Today is the day. The one year mark for being uncoupled. I think I should celebrate my singlehood. I should make it okay that I am neither married nor coupled. I am not any less of a person. I am not unworthy of love, affection or romantic attention. I am single. That is not something demeritorious! I am 34 and I have never been married. That does not mean th ...

Keeping it Fluffy.

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:30:27 -0700

I am so sick of men telling me that they want to keep our meetings secret! I understood with the Mariachi, because after all, he is married and committing a mortal sin! The New Guy asked me to keep our meetings a secret and now my ex has asked that I keep it a secret as well. It just pisses me off! Am I really so horrible? Jeez! It just makes me feel so insignificant when I let people treat me ...

Good Night, Stupid Dream.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 19:39:16 -0800

I had a fantastic night at work last night. I think I finally got the attention of a guy I've had my eye on for a few weeks now. I made a bunch of money and I was in a good mood all night! I hope tonight is just as good.
I dreamt about David last night. I was dreaming that we were getting back togethe ...

Just a little freak-out!

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 01:26:17 -0800

Okay, I'm freaking out. I think I am having a mild panic attack. I don't want to let him go. Plain and simple. I want to hold on forever. I am really feeling strange and panicked! I want to cry maybe. I was doing good all day too. I kept myself busy and didn't think much about it. Now that it's late and I'm tired, I am freaking out. I'm sure that ...

The Cleaning Project that never Ends!

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 12:21:22 -0800

OY!!!!!!! I didn't get much accomplished yesterday, as far as cleaning goes! I felt like I worked hard all day. I am skeptical about getting everything done today! My son and I loaded the truck with crap from the garage and my friend and I drove to the landfill. We then drove around town to pay ...

Ten Confessions

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 11:05:13 -0800

I confess; I am a crazy person! Okay, I feel like a crazy person, but I'm in a pretty good mood lately so I just laugh at myself for most of it. I am so glad that Spring is finally here. The bright sunny weather inspires me to be happy and be a better person. Thank goodness too, because I wasn't sure how I was going to make it out of the dark place I've been in for so long now.&nbs ...

Old Thoughts, New Realizations.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 20:26:32 -0800

Today I started my weekend early. I got out of bed around 10 am and went all over town, with a friend, to pay bills and shop. I, of course, started thinking about David. I always do when the weather is nice and I am being shuttled around town! I miss him and how he made sure I got the stupid daily tasks accomplished. I always appreciated that about him. I t may have seemed ins ...

No rBGH for me Please!

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 14:56:27 -0800

A conversation with a co-worker has me all riled up! I understand the skepticism some people have with the idea of going organic. I am trying my best to not only educate myself but also the people around me. It is important to me that we are informed so that we can make better choices concerning the health of our families.
I was in a c ...

One Step Forward.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 03:46:49 -0800

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me I've been alone all along ~ Evanescense ~
Two steps forward and one step back; that is how my recovery from this breakup has been going for a year now. I felt okay with that beca ...

Hallelujah

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 09:01:53 -0800

Hallelujah

Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
< ...

My Immortal

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 08:30:04 -0800

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that ...

Spring Cleaning Day!

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 18:04:10 -0800

Well... let's see. I have done NOTHING this weekend! I slept most of it away. I'm all messed up over my ex. I have been waiting for him to email or stop by again. I, somehow, really wanted to talk to him and I almost emailed him. I couldn't though because it's crossing a line. He never emailed and he hasn't come by again. There you go. Fuck that guy ...

Sepia Morning

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 08:23:58 -0800

It's a sepia morning and I am siting here eating peanut butter off of a spoon. I have been up all night getting nothing accomplished. I watched some television, listened to some music, updated MySpace, joined Tickle.com and wasted a bunch of time taking relationship quizzes. I am trying, once again, to get the intensely emotional feelings for David out of my head. This sucks. Really ...

Breath

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:04:13 -0800

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in yo ...

Right Here

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 03:59:30 -0800

Right Here

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting

Check one, Check, Check

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:19:25 -0800

Well, I have decided that I have a piss poor attitude. I actually left work early tonight, when I could have stayed and made some money. I haven't made very much money all week and it's because I have a BAD ATTITUDE. I need a freakin' vacation, but alas, I cannot really afford one. I start my weekend early, woo hooo!! I have the next 3 days off and I AM going to get this fuck ...

All at Once

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:29:03 -0800

All At Once
There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
...

I'm a confused Joke

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 12:01:01 -0800

I am so very confused. I'm making strange decisions. I unblocked him from MySpace. I don't think it will matter at this point. He hasn't tried to contact me since our "talk". He's probably sitting at home laughing his ass off about how stupid and gullible I am. Oh well. The joke is always on me. I trusted, I loved and then I got FUCKED!&nb ...

Off the Deep End!

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:44:20 -0800

I am freaking out! I cannot get last night's visit out of my head. I go over and over everything that was said. He knows that it wasn't okay to tell me that he is still in love with me. I don't believe that it's true. He's having a hard time with something now. Maybe his plans aren't working out well and I imagine that he's having marital problems. I do ...

The Walk

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 08:38:41 -0800

Could you live without me? Did you ever really have a doubt?
But do you understand it baby; When you say it's over, its done. - Emerson Hart -
...

Teary Pep Talk

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 05:32:14 -0800

I am winding up the day the same way I began the day, crying. I woke up this morning after having a dream that I was having an argument with David about him getting married to someone besides me. I woke up and tried my best to get David out of my mind, so I started to think about the new guy and it occurred to me that I think about him far too much and now I have to stop seeing him. I have to stop ...

Insousiantly Crazy

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 06:20:14 -0800

What is wrong with me? Why am I always asking this?
I'm feeling pretty good lately. My job sort of sucks right now, but not in a really negative way, just a boring and not ridiculously lucrative way. My home life is fine and getting better as, like I said, I have my space back! My personal ...

Lesson Learned

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 06:09:21 -0800

I made it through Valentine's day, Hooray! It may not seem like a big deal, but I have never really had a great Valentine's day. The first time that any Valentine's day stands out is my 5th grade year. We were still young enough to have a class party and give little cards to one another. Most the kids in my class got the same box of valentines to deliver and most of the kids gave me the ...

Valentine's Day, annual holiday honoring lovers.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:19:50 -0800

Valentine's Day, annual holiday honoring lovers. It is celebrated on February 14 by the custom of sending greeting cards or gifts to express affection. The cards, known as valentines, are often designed with hearts t ...

Time for something completely different

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 03:08:56 -0800

I loved you with the fire red, now it's turning blue and you say "sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you. - OneRepublic -
Days go by and I start to feel better. The fog lifts a bit and my head starts to clear just a little. I star ...

messy anticipation

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:25:09 -0800

Here I am, waiting for him to write me. It's foolish and it would be best if he did not write at all. I failed to maintain my self control and I messaged him back yesterday. I had to laugh because I could not send the message, as I am not his friend on MySpace. There you have it. Fate is keeping us parted. After all these years of me believing that fate was trying to bring and keep ...

WAS wrong

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 11:44:54 -0800

I was dreaming about David when I woke up, much too early. I started my normal routine, bathroom, kitchen, computer. I have another myspace message from Dave. I'm thinking "FUCK! Why today?" I do not want to deal with this today. It is my son's birthday and I have resolved to be in a good mood all day for him. I toyed with the thought of not reading it, but you know me ...

My sarcasm is palpable

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:32:58 -0800

Work sucked so bad last night that I had to come home and go directly to bed. Perhaps I have been in a more emotional state than usual, this week. I don't know, but I cried on a live game last night. I haven't done that in a long time. Some guys were just being mean and rude and, for some reason, I let it get to me. It was like high school all over again. I know I have put on qu ...

there's More to love than we'll ever know

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:55:00 -0800

How long can we wait here
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take

Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're losing

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're

wasting no more time

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:43:00 -0800

Maybe I'm the joker
Maybe I'm the fool in your eyes
Maybe I'm the weak one
Maybe I'm a liar in disguise
Maybe I'm angry
'Cause I'm the one who's always wrong
Maybe I'm not the one who's so strong

Did you think about it
Did you pour it in and pour it out
Could you live without me
Did you ever really have a doubt
...

One Day for Sinking.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:35:26 -0800

Today sucked. It always takes a day for things like this to fully sink in. I am fighting myself in so many ways. I never responded to his emails, although I did deny his friend request with no explanation. I simply do not want to see his picture everyday. This is hard for me. It's been over four moths since I've communicated with him. It's been the longest span of time ...

Three Emails

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 08:50:42 -0800

Oh boy, it came and with a force that I wasn't prepared to feel. David emailed me tonight. Not just once, but three times in total and one MySpace request. It wasn't enough to send me three emails, but he had to make me look at a picture of him holding his new child. I've been having such a hard time getting through this, I will never understand the insensitivity with the MySpace t ...

Tough Patch

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:35:34 -0800

Dammit!!!!! Ever since the "David incident" he's been on my mind more than he has in months. I have been talking about him more and I had a dream about him. Actually, I had a dream that he was dead and I was really upset about it. I woke up because I heard someone crying and it was me. I feel sort of weird and confused most of the time, lately. I am doing stupid things and making ...

I slept and I thought

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 08:18:39 -0800

I have been thinking, quite a bit, about David's attempt to visit me. I have no idea what he wanted, but apparently it was not that important. He hasn't called or emailed or tried to visit again. That's probably a good thing. I've talked the situation over with the people closest to me and everyone seems to think that David is up to no good and nothing beneficial can come of this.&n ...

Unexpected visit

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 10:33:11 -0800
Just a few days longer than four months have passed since I last communicated with David. Now, all of a sudden and out of the freakin' blue, he pops up again. For what reason? I have no clue to his motivation at all. I am freaked out and confused. I thought we had agreed to never communicate again, forever. I've been true to my end of the deal. Tonight, not only did he show up at m ...

Time for a new outlook

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 08:24:29 -0800

The new year has begun without any special excitement or focus on my part. As always, I have resolved to lose weight, get my house in order, be a better person and formulate a plan for the next year. I have done nothing, so far. As I near the one year mark from the demise of my relationship, I feel more confused than anything. Is it possible to still be in love with that fallacy? I examine ho ...

Happy Birthday David

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:40:20 -0800

Happy Birthday David. It's been several months since we have communicated and even longer since I've seen you. One year ago today you came to me and asked, no, begged me to take you back and give you another chance. Atop your list of reasons why I should even consider it was, "because you love me." Of course I loved you, something I Never made you doubt. Sadly it was all an i ...

So much for Christmas

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 05:58:55 -0800

So much for Christmas. It went okay and I think my son had a great day. It was difficult for me. I got frustrated with my son when I tried to get him to think about others rather than himself while picking out a gift for his father. I ended up crying. I got in an argument with his father just the day before that over a guitar. I ended up crying. I really wanted this Christmas to b ...

Job Stress

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 08:05:33 -0800
I am stressed out about my job. It isn't even funny. I hate this and I expected that when I went back to dealing that all of the stress would be gone. For a while it was all gone, but now things are different. Over the past couple of years we have changed our middle management a few times. This is my opinion only, but it seems to me that, quite often, people in management positions get ...